1997: directed by John Hardwick

To inform the Viewer, this video basically does NOT contain Blur physically, so if that's all you're after, skip it. However, if you're interested in one of the finest action-movie videos of all time, up there with the best of the Wu-Tang Clan, Busta Rhymes, Duran Duran and Björk, just to name a few off the top of the Author's head, the Viewer is advised to sit his or her ass down and prepare for kicks, baby, kicks!

A black bag drops onto the ground. As it falls, it begins spilling out money. Tons of it. It's totally Monopoly money, but it sure gives the illusion of pure greenback U.S. hard currency.

Groovy Charlie's Angels/Hart To Hart 70s TV action music plays. We are introduced to our cast of characters:

MORGAN C. HOAX as GRAHAM COXON
As far as the Author can tell, that's really Graham under that black balaclava (festively trimmed in red - even after they've descended into a life of high-stakes crime, they truly understand the fashion statement!) because the Author is often haunted by those eyes and the stylish glasses that he momentarily fiddles with.

LEE JAXSAM as ALEX JAMES
Not so, much, for it being really Alex. Those eyes staring out look like they've been Photoshopped in. It probably is the genuine article, actually, because the lips give it away. Don't they, Alex?

TREVOR DEWANE as DAVE ROWNTREE
Same Photoshop deal goes for Dave. It's true, wearing a ski mask (this time in a lovely brown cableknit) really does interfere with recognition.

DAN ABNORMAL as DAMON ALBARN
Yeah, see, he's cheating, because he already told us "Dan Abnormal's me". He's in a ninja mask and his eyes, separated from the rest of his face like that, bring to mind housecats, snakes, and supermodels. Men should not have swoopy eyelashes like that. It's just not fair.

Special Guest Star GRANT PAGE
Now who this is, the Author has not yet been able to ascertain. C'mon Blur community, help me out here. The screen's split into three frames, showing some guy in a comfy cap on a boat, then on a different boat sans cap, and then just standing there dressed much like the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. The funny thing is, he looks completely different in each frame. The three frames switch over one by one to combine into the tight close-up of a giant plaster head's eye...

in M.O.R.

The camera zooms out to reveal the giant plaster head is the archway of a carnival entrance, and one of the Desperado Blurs is running flat out towards it. Elsewhere, another one runs by an arched bridge. Another one runs down the boardwalk, spewing banknotes behind him. They're really bookin' it! They must have just knocked over the place! They start to join up. Soon all four of them are on the boardwalk. They head for some stairs up to a Ballardian nightmare of shiny tower buildings. This doesn't look like London. At all. On their way up, they speed towards a guy carefully coming down, walking his dog with an insanely long leash which he has coiled in his hand. What's up with that? Anyway, the Desperadoes bowl him over and he falls down.

Now they're running down the stairs and into the streets of NotLondon. It's Sydney, in case you care. They run into the road, almost getting knocked down by a huge yellow lorry. The lorry driver slams on the brakes just in time to avoid hitting the Anagram Desperadoes. Inside the cab, as the lorry screeches to a halt, a young lad spills his coffee all over his face. This young lad is Noah Taylor, who is one of the Author's panoply of gods. If the Viewer has not yet felt the goodness that is Noah Taylor in Flirting, or Shine, the Viewer now has homework to do. Please ignore his roles in Tomb Raider, or Almost Famous, for he was cruelly wasted in both cases. Not so much for "M.O.R.", as we shall see.

The Anagrams dodge the truck and keep running. The police have showed up, car Z3, and nearly intercept the four criminales. They pull a Rents-in-Trainspotting move and just scramble over the police car and keep going. They go into a building and run up the stairs to the roof. Not only are they master thieves, they are in superb physical condition. The cops follow. The Thugs are up on the roof... and the cops are coming... and they're trapped...

Nuh-uh! They're master thieves! They're pros! They go back down one level. They rig up some ropes on the balcony. The music's intensity becomes nearly unbearable. And just as the really loud happy Dinosaur Jr. guitars burst into life, the four chaps swing out and over the street! The cops get there a moment too late, really pissed off.

Our heroes slowly descend to street level, just in time to intercept that yellow lorry, the driver shaking his head, still tripping on the earlier scene. Noah eats a sandwich and looks unshaven, ferrety, and sublime. The four chaps land on the padded top of the lorry in a heap of black ninja clothes. The lorry driver startles at the noise, wonders what it is. Noah, his mouth full, doesn't know and doesn't care, since he was denied his morning coffee by the driving tactics of his asshole boss.

The lorry keeps driving, picking up speed. On top, the internationally revered crime team gets bounced around pretty badly, but they're hanging onto the ropes securing the load, so they're able to hang on. The lorry drives to the docks. In an amusing nod to the "Parklife" video, Noah, with a sandwich sticking out of his mouth, offers one to the lorry driver, who refuses with a look of disgust. The cops are still on the trail. At the dock, the lorry comes to a halt, spurring the Criminal Blur to action.

Apparently the lorry is carrying motorcycles. Oh yes. The lorry driver, getting out of the cab, finds a large unmarked new banknote, turns it over to make sure it's real. More money flutters to the ground. Criminal Blur are just like these money fairies sprinkling pixie dust. They slice in through the padding on the top of the lorry, and drop inside. Did someone say "motorcycles"? Blur put on helmets for safety, seat themselves, and get rrrrready to rrrrrumble.

As the chorus of the song slams down again, a motorcycle leaps from the back of the lorry in the most dramatic way possible - the Author has seen Hong Kong action flicks that were more low-key than this video. The lorry driver, totally stunned, just watches them go. The cops have other ideas - they tear off in hot pursuit. They have totally sweet cop cars in this video universe. The police cruiser chases the motorcyclin' crew further down the dockside. The lorry driver, still utterly baffled, watches the pursuit tear back past him. In the cab, Noah shakes his head, having given up on anything making sense today. Since there's only one police car, Blur finds it easy to split up and confuse the cop, and sure enough, there's a lot of wild steering and hairpin turns. One of the bikes is heading straight for the water! Wait, stop, you fool, you'll be killed! Think about the money!

Like Han Solo said, "Trust me". Yeah, the motorcycle crashes into the water. Some old bloke in a small speedboat looks over his shoulder to see what it was. Meanwhile, the others are having fun tormenting the cop, popping wheelies, and generally Getting Away. And - oh, did somebody say speedboat? That ninja's out of the water and on water skis behind the boat! How's he do that? Where did he get those wonderful toys?

The cops jump out of their cars and start running after them on foot. The cops give up. "They're too good," their faces say. Ain't it the truth? Two of Blur ditch their motorbikes and start running up the stairs of one of the, er, dock buildings. Meanwhile, the lorry driver and Noah are driving again, wondering what the heck they're gonna tell their bosses about where the motorcycles went. But the fun's not over for them yet. It is Graham and Alex who have gotten separated from the others (which is why they've got top billing), and they've found their way up to the bridge over the highway. They pull that rope trick again, and land perfectly on the back of the same lorry (with apparently new, unmarked sheeting over it). The lorry driver and Noah stare at each other, wondering what in hell is going on.

Out on the bay, Mr. Abnormal is water-skiing. It would figure that it'd be him. At least, the Author believes that it's him because of the colour of his ski mask. However, it's all wet, so it could possibly be Dave. An ultralight seaplane is hovering close nearby; it dips very low down, and whichever D it is grabs into the bottom strut of the landing gear. He's dragged along a bit, slapping the water with his legs, which just can't be comfortable. At last he gives up and falls. The pilot of the ultralight - "Grant Page"! - gives the "hey there" wave to the man in the boat. The man in the boat gives a thumbs-up. Undaunted, the D has swam to shore and hauled himself up. One of his black-clad bandmates and fellow robbin' hoods flashes up on his motorcycle, and the D climbs on the back and they take off. On their way, they steal the helmet hanging from the handlebars of some fat guy's Harley. Safety first!

The two on the bike pull up close behind the lorry. The chaps on the lorry look over their shoulders, then put their helmets on. They begin to climb down the ropes on the sides of the lorry. The motorcycle pulls closer, and they all wave at each other to get closer... Noah just knows something is up. He glances in the rearview mirror and sees two guys on a motorcycle, then three guys... There's one left... He climbs on too. Four guys on a motorcycle. It's insane. They pull up beside Noah's window, and Graham slips Noah a couple thou through the window. Noah takes it, of course; he's not the crazy one. The lorry driver glances over and sees Noah fanning through a stack of bills three inches thick. He looks back at the road and sees a lorry even bigger and scarier than his own, approaching at ludicrous speed; the grille says in big warning yellow "THE END". Whoo!

CUTE FACTOR:None from Blur, a little from Noah
VIDEO QUALITY:Excellent. It must have cost a pretty penny, but it's a blast.
FUCKED UP FACTOR: Blur were nowhere to be seen, so it's moot.
OVERALL GRADE: A (would be higher were the band performing their own stunts)